Life and ramblings

So... I took an extended blogging holiday. Big surprise, huh. School has been kicking my ass and I am finally at a point where I just dont give a damn don't have any big tests, projects, quizzes, etc. coming up, so I am relishing in my free time.

Anyways. Liam will be one in 13 days. When did this happen? HOW did this happen? I am feeling super sappy and emo about this upcoming milestone. Today, while he was being a complete and total brat, I looked at him and realized how much of a little man and how little of a tiny baby he looks like. He is a person! (Yes, I am just now realizing this.) I feel like for months, he was more an "object" than a tiny human being. One of the most exciting (and terrifying) things about watching him develop into himself is seeing so much of me and his dad in his personality. He is head-strong, stubborn and determined like me. He is strong, handsome and messy like his dad. He gives kisses, waves bye-bye, and snuggles up close for a quick hug before he is off to his next adventure. Every day is a new experience, a new struggle, and new test-of-my-patience, and a new bottle of wine. But at the end of the day, no matter how long it seemed, I can honestly look back at his life as an outside baby and think "Damn, that flew by."

I have a coworker who recently asked me, "So, do you like being a mom?" Would anyone actually say no? Anyways, it made me realize: Being a mom is like being in a secret cult. Bear with me here... I promise I'm taking this somewhere. The initiation: 9 months of sickness, pain, anxiety, terror, love, acid reflux, hemorrhoids, and leaky boobs. Hours upon hours of the worst pain imaginable to man... wait, no. Men couldn't even fathom. Suddenly, you are in! This is the moment you have been waiting for. You dress your little prize up in their Sunday best and nervously buckle them into an over sized car seat, wondering if it's too tight. You bring them home and frantically begin searching the diaper bag; they forgot to send you home with an instruction manual! You cry when they cry, and you smile when they smile. Sometimes, you question whether joining this cult was the craziest decision of your life. Then, one day, your child calls out for you. They examine you with loving eyes and the biggest smile. You watch as they nervously cling to their teacher on the first day of Mothers Day Out, while you struggle to hold your tears in until you reach the car. You relish in the smiles they give you when they see your face return after a hard, long day at work. And it just hits you. You'll suddenly realize that you are a member of the most sacred, special group in the entire world. You hold a profession that must master many trades, but that no amount of schooling and no degree could ever prepare you for. You are underpaid, overworked and tired. You wonder who in their right mind would choose a profession with that job description. And then you realize: none of those things matter at the end of the day when you peek in on your little bug and see them sleeping soundly in their crib. You never knew you could feel this much love. And trust me, it isn't anything you could explain to someone outside of the cult. They would never understand how much your child's boo-boo could physically hurt you, too. They wouldn't understand that your little boy dressed as a pirate in the school Halloween parade is a better production than any Broadway play. They wouldn't understand what it feels like to have your heart walking around outside your body. Maybe one day they will be initiated. Maybe one day they will understand. But until then, just smile, nod your head and say, "Yes. It's wonderful."

I'm not a very good blogging mom.

School has been kicking my ass already. I paid extra for speedy shipping on my books and 15 days later, they still aren't here. So here I am, stuck with the only teacher I've ever had who doesn't give power point notes for a science class, and no book. If it wasn't a holiday, Amazon would be getting a piece of my mind.

I'm watching the Inauguration of President Obama. Sometimes, it really takes a national event like this to remind me how much I love this great country. Obama isn't my President of choice, but he is my President, and I respect that fact. I consider myself a liberal in almost 100% of my social views, but sometimes teeter on the line for fiscal matters. I don't keep up with politics as much as I should. It hasn't ever been something I have been extremely interested in. I think the main reason I voted R for this election was because I leaned right for economic reasons and I truly don't think any social aspects of the candidates platforms were going to be in the forefront during their term. The fact of the matter is our country is in a shit-ton of debt and that is going to take precedence over legalizing gay marriage. Also, most states who haven't legalized it yet (COME ON GUYS) probably aren't going to for many, many years. Not because of who is President. Not because of the state of the economy. Not because of any reason other than their are some stigmas that people in my portion of the nation (bible belt) hold as true to as the color of the sky.

Today is MLK day. I posted on FB my feelings about today, and since I am feeling lazy, I will C/P here.

I want my son to grow up to be a man who will not be afraid to take a stand for what he believes to be right or wrong. Despite mistakes I will make as his mom, I hope to engrave in stone in his mind the importance of having a voice and having the freedom to use it. One of the greatest role models I could ever introduce to my son is Doctor Martin Luther King, Jr. During a time when people were killed for having an opinion on the basic right of equality, he made his voice heard by the world. He is a true hero.

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”

 

 

 

 

 

I start back to school tomorrow and I am dreading this semester. I have been so spoiled at home with Liam lately. It amazes me how much he is changing in such a short amount of time. I also don't mind the fact that he has been letting me sleep in until 9 or later for the past few weeks...

I am finally hunkering down on wedding planning and I am starting to stress out. I feel like every time I look, my guest list has grown... and grown... and grown. I feel selfish for wanting this big wedding. Mama and dad have been helping us out financially now for a few months until we get back on our feet after Trev gets this new job at Votgle (hopefully in April...) I almost threw in the towel and took his butt to the courthouse, but I think I would regret it in the long run.

I got to spend some QT with a good friend from highschool who I haven't seen in years last night. She came over for a nice glass of wine and some girl talk- wow, how times have changed. We laughed about stupid things we did in highschool, about the losers we dated and swore we'd marry and about our old friends who are still "living the dream" of most young, unemployed college students. For a slight moment, I felt a little jealous as she told me of the fun times she has had in my old college town. What would I be doing? Where would I be headed? I let my mind "what if" for a few minutes but was snapped back to reality at the sound of L over the monitor. I went in to get him from his crib and he smiled, lifted his arms up and gave me a big hug.

 "What if I didn't have him and Trevor?"

I think I chose the right path.

My friends jokingly call me the "car seat nazi." I am proud to accept that title. I take the safety of my son VERY seriously, above anything else, as I assume sure most parents do for their children. It absolutely breaks my heart to see children secured unsafely in car seats. It is so easy to become well versed in car seat safety. It is impossible to bring back your child after an accident costing their life.

Liam hates his car seat. He fights being strapped down, fusses on the way to our destination, and is desperate to escape the torture straps. Numerous people have given their advice, but the tip that makes me cringe the most? "Just turn him around!"

Did you know that a child is five times more likely to suffer life threatening injuries in an accident while forward facing? FIVE. TIMES. A minuscule percentage wouldn't be a risk I would be willing to take, but FIVE TIMES?

A child's first birthday is something parents both dread and look forward to from the time their bundle is born. A first smash cake. First candle. First party. A milestone too many people think automatically comes with a first birthday is a first car ride forward facing. One isn't some magical number in which you have to turn your child around. In fact, The AAP recommends keeping children rear facing AS LONG AS POSSIBLE.

Imagine a one year old, barely toddling along. Clumsy, the motion of "one foot in front of the other" is fresh (if even developed yet.) Now, imagine that same toddling baby being thrown forward at 60 MPH. The neck isn't developed enough yet to withstand such force. Rear-facing, the child would be forced into the cocoon of the car seat if involved in an accident. A safety net. So many parent's use the excuse, "They are too long! Their legs touch the seat!" Let me ask you this: Would you rather be purchasing a cast, or a casket?

Every car seat is assembled with a chest strap. CHEST strap. Not a crotch strap. I am glad I have this blog to vent, because I would probably lose alot of IRL friends if I were to vent on the numerous pictures a day I see of this mishap taking place. A chest strap applying stress to your child's unprotected abdomen at 60 MPH during a crash will most likely kill them. Not only that, but they are more likely to be ejected, since the main support system is too low to hold the upper-half of their body in place.

I STRONGLY urge every parent to become knowledgeable in car seat safety. It is one of the most important things you can do for your most precious cargo.

Pharm life.

Life in a retail pharmacy. I could write a blog on just this topic. It's a rewarding job, don't get me wrong, but sometimes, I wonder if every crazy patient congregates at my pharmacy window. With it being the beginning of the year, it has been extra nuts. You know those packets your insurance companies send you every December containing an "Explanation of Benefits" and a new insurance card? If you answered yes, you are in the minoriy group. A few examples of conversations that might occur once the insurance clocks reset:

"What do you mean I have to pay? It was free last month!"
"I've had this insurance forever! Why do I need a new card?"
"Can't you just search for my insurance numbers in the computer?" (The answer to this is no, there is no magical insurance database containing your updated BIN, PCN, etc.)
And the best... "Can't you just call my insurance company?"

Lets do some math. My pharmacy fills on average 450 prescriptions a day. Lets stretch that to say each patient has 2, maybe even 3 of those prescriptions. That is 150 patient per day. Now, lets say 20% of those patients need me to call their insurance company. 30 people. The average wait time for a call to insurance around the first of the year is 10 minutes. That is 300 minutes I will spend on the phone with insurance. 5 hours. An entire shift. See where I'm getting at?

Another favorite of mine: We offer to fax doctor's offices when a patient is in need of a refill on a maintenance medication. IF we get a response on that fax, it is usually 3-4 business days later. Doctor's office business days are completely different than most other health professionals: they get hour lunches, close early on Fridays, and usually take all day Monday playing catch up on patient calls/requests. Ours are on the backburner until Tuesday afternoon, maybe even Wednesday. So when a patient shows up at the pharmacy 2 days after we faxed their office, FURIOUS at us for not having their prescription, what are we to do? "Why didn't you call me and tell me they never responded?!" Well, sir, I have over 150 interactions with patients per day, and many of those are to request refills. I cannot possibly sit around the fax machine waiting for Dr. so-and-so to return from his week and a half long President's Day holiday to respond. If it were my pharmacy (it is a GOOD thing it isn't) I wouldn't give the option to contact doctor's offices. Why don't PATIENTS take charge of their OWN health? If you have a medication you NEED to take to remain healthy, why sit around waiting for someone else to make sure you get it on time?

I REALLY do love my job. It is so rewarding and I have great co-workers. Don't get me wrong, there are days I come home and cry. It is stressful to be the face on a prescription when so many other steps/factors go in to filling it. But at the end of the day, I am satisfied with what I do.

Work has been driving me into the ground. I may not work many hours a week (25ish?), but those hours seem to drag on. I hate being the face on a time stamp.
"You'r script will be ready in 45 minutes."
"45 minutes?! How hard is it to count?"
"I am sorry sir. There is much more that goes in to filling a prescription than just counting... not to mention the thiry something prescriptions in front of yours..."
"Well, can you put a rush on it? I need it yesterday and I am supposed to be [insert some place to be RIGHT NOW.]
"Sir, you've has this script for 5 days now... Why is it that you just now need it OH MY EFFING GOODNESS THIS SECOND OR YOU MIGHT DIE?"

And people wonder why I drink.

My little muffin is 9 months old today. I guess 9 months has hit me harder than all the other months because he has almost been an outside baby longer than he was just MY baby. I mean, I guess he wasn't just mine... but he was. Liam is amazing. He loves to give kisses and hugs and high fives. He stood UNASSISTED for 10 seconds on Christmas. He laughs at my stupid jokes. He naps well, sleeps through the night and wakes up with a smile. If this could just last forever, I could (would) die happy. I never, ever want to forget how blessed I am that my boy is here, is real, is TANGIBLE, while so many other mommies with my same IF conditions can only touch their babies in their dreams. Thank you, universe, for giving a nobody a chance at being a mom to a somebody. I promise I won't let you down.

Sometimes I wish I had more time for this thing, but if I did, it wouldn't be my crazy life. I finally finished the semester strong with 2 B's and 1 A, which I am really proud of. I felt like I was being stretched in a million different directions for the past few months: mom, partner, student, employee, daughter... Just call me Strech Armstrong. Ask me and I will tell you I'm a total type B personality, but I am pretty sure I'm a closet-type-A. The house is clean but never clean enough. I try to be super mommy with park play dates, clean clothes and pretty regular baths, but the truth is, sometimes I fail. Just last month I realized I hadn't bathed my kid in 4 nights. FOUR NIGHTS. I leave clothes in the washer until they are sour and then wash them again. I don't spend nearly enough time putting in an effort in the lover section of my life. Homework can always wait... until the hour before it's due, when I am scrambling around trying to finish it. And these things drive me CRAZY about myself. But at the end of the day, my kid is alive, my house isn't being condemned by the health department and I am enjoying a nice glass of wine on the couch next to the love of my life. Somehow, that makes it all ok.

My house is in total scrambles as I get ready for Christmas. I am really surprised I even found the laptop charger... It's hard to buy presents for my "new" family. We're on an EXTREME budget this year, but it wouldn't feel right not getting MIL and GMIL something. I ordered them canvas pictures of Liam and Trevor. As I was looking through my photo albums to create them, I realized I have very few pictures with my son. I stupidly opened the album of the day of his birth and relished in those first few moments of his sweet, wrinkly face. It is dangerous for moms to have access to these types of pictures... I had to extinguish that baby fever and fast. Somedays, I would give anything to go back and relive those first few months because frankly, I just can't remember them. Since that is impossible to do, from here on out I will vow to document more, photograph more, and be photographed more. Damn, I don't want these days to end...

Im out.
<3